A weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven munchable teens as they find themselves supper for a school of peckish sharks. All aboard for babes in bikinis, snappy banter and unattached body parts as Snakes on a Plane director David R Ellis weighs anchor for a chewy tribute to Jaws.
David R Ellis
Who better to helm an in-yer-face schlocker full of doomed college kids and razor-toothed nasties than a former stuntman with two Final Destinations and Snakes On A Plane under his belt?
It should be a rhetorical question, but you do begin to wonder as director David R. Ellis struggles to exploit the exploitative promise of this surprisingly anaemic bloodbath.
Unfortunately what should be a guiltily enjoyable bowl of shark-fin soup turns out to be a cinematic filet-o-fish, offering bite after bland bite of carefully processed cliché with a distinct lack of sauce.
You would hope for more as the stock collection of hard-bodied college types - blonde bimbo, sporty chick, Latina babe, geek, bookish hero, alpha-male horndogs - hit the Louisiana bayou for a spot offlirting and water-based fun.
So far, so blah. But things liven up a bit when the bimbo's nasty ex (Chris Carmack) turns up with his dentally challenged redneck buddy (Joshua Leonard).
The trip gets even more interesting when the assembled idiots discover that the lake is infested with sharks.
Or rather it would if Ellis could control his directorial urges instead of leaching suspense with his irritating, scattergun style.
A nautical mile from Jaws, Shark Night lurches from slow-moving blather (why bother with character development when everyone is just shark bait?) to randomly speeded-up and let's-see-how-this'll-look-in-3D chunks of action.
And despite all the hormones, swimsuits, and gnashing teeth, anyone hoping for wall-to-wall shocks, gore and gratuitous nudity will be horrified. Even the language is tame.
It's clearly pitching for a multiplex-friendly certificate, but few boats will be floated by a creature feature that's no more threatening than a mouthful of day-old sushi.