1. Going Overboard (1989)
"Look at ya, ya look just like ya sister....A PIG!"
For some, Adam Sandler is a comedy Superman. For most though, he is actually comedy kryptonite, a sucking, leeching, gasping black hole that sucks humour from any line, scene or scenario. He already has one entry our list but there is no doubt that he deserves another. And Going Overboard has to be the one. Most people haven't seen it. Most people are lucky. It is almost impossible to adequately describe the monstrosity that is Sandler's film debut.
Witnessing a traumatic event can leave you shellshocked. You forget the precise details of the plane crash or car accident- your brain protecting you from having to recall and relive the events again. It's the same with Going Overboard. I've seen it twice. Twice more than should ever be attempted.
For no reason at all, the movie was filmed on a cruise going to the Miss Universe Pageant in Mexico. Sandler is an aspiring comedian who wants to replace the ship's obnoxious comic. Billy Bob Thornton and Billy Zane make bizarre early career appearances. There are terrorists. It hurts to watch.
It's so bad, it overwhelms you- like a tsunami of bad taste and imbecility. That it makes no sense goes without saying, but adequately communicating the lack of humour is a challenge. Absolute zero is the coldest temperature possible. Atoms stop moving. Matter ceases to exist. The universe stops. Going Overboard is the absolute zero of comedy.
Nothing you have ever seen will prepare you for the senseless, pointless, witless, charmlessness of the whole experience. It feels like it was made up on the spot. It feels like it was a twisted attempt to stop you from ever laughing again. And in truth, it comes very, very close.
If hell has a multiplex, Going Overboard will be on every screen, 24 hours a day, for all eternity.
So be good.